CV moje ljubavi

Pre ovoga je bilo nešto, kao što će i po prirodi stvari, nešto svakako doći posle.
I ja tu nemam više šta da kažem.
Sedim ja i pevam u nekom restoranu. Ne sećam se kako sam tamo došla i kako sam se našla u društvu nekog momka sa gitarom. Osim nas dvoje u ovom svetlom prostoru ne vidim ništa – samo mi, sedimo za malim stolom u ćošku. Momak nonšalantno prekršta noge i svira neku poznatu makedonsku pesmu. Osećam zadovoljstvo i prija mi što sam baš tu, u društvu nepoznatog muškarca i uživam u toj situaciji u kojoj sam se, ne znam kako našla. Zatim se dogadja nešto potpuno čudno.
Zapevala sam iz sveg glasa, zvonko, toliko jako i lepo da sam se sama divila svom glasu. Kao da sam čitav svoj život posvetila pesmi i on se u ovom času, kroz tu pesmu, pokazuje u punom smislu, iz mog grla izlivala se melodija.
Tako sam zahvaljujući momku i gitari uživala u svom pevanju.
Momak koji svira mi se ne dopada na prvi pogled,ali njegova gitara i ova moja iznenadna pesma, bili su prva stanica na putu upoznavanja moje ljubavi.
Šetam ulicom nekog velikog grada.
Iznenada, pojavljuje se momak razbarušene kose i oštrih, lepih crta lica. Male i kose oči i drski pogled, bili su ispaljivač strasti po mome telu ili tako nečeg emocionalno veoma jakog što sam ja primala skoro kao prijatnu bol. Nosio je široku, belu košulju zavrnutih rukava i prišao mi tako prirodno i lako kao da je najnormalnija stvar na svetu prići meni i tako požudno me gledati. Sve je na njemu izgledalo nekako slobodno i kao da je na ulici video kuče kome je prišao da ga pomazi, stao je pored mene i polako se primicao. Ćutao je, a ja sam kao na filmu, čitala titl na kome je pisalo: ti si savršenstvo u svom jedinstvenom obliku. Želim tebe jer je to deo koji je sreća. Želim baš tebe takvu, kakva si. Sve mi je na tebi dar, ti si biće koje je stvoreno da u ovom momentu uživam u onom što jeste.
Svaki njegov milimetar približavanja me je činio srećnijom i na kraju sam i ja osetila magnetnu silu ka njegovom telu.
U nekoj slepoj ulici, naslonili smo se na zid, možda i na kontejner sa smećem i ljubili se silno i tako nežno da je sve izgubilo smisao. Vreme nije moglo da se vrzma tuda i nije postojalo, kao ni ljudi koji su možda zalutali u slepu ulicu, a možda ih i nije bilo. Sve je bio trenutak koji ima svoj život i svoju večnost. Jako do potpunog besmisla.
Momak je prestajao da me ljubi i držeći me obema rukama za ramena i ruke prvo me odmicao od sebe pa me ponovo naglo grlio i primicao.Mogao je to da radi jer sam se ja sa tim čovekom bez ikakvog razloga, razuma, logike i smislenosti, ljubila do izbezumljenosti. Ja sam se gubila pred tim dečačkim ludilom i gušila u naletima topline iz grudi do stomaka ili obrnuto.
Nema prostora, nema razuma, nema vremena, samo košulja sa zavrnutim rukavima i ruke koje su me uzimale, drmusale me kao najsvetije blago, spoznaju ili san. Na kraju su me zubi zabolelli od ljubljenja i to sam glasno izgovorila.
Sad je počeo da me ljubi nežnije, ali ništa manje velikodušno.
Momak i ja smo opet u nekoj ulici, šetamo i njemu prilazi visoka i plava devojka. On se okreće od mene i pritrčava joj razdragano, kao da će da joj skoči na leđa ili tako nešto. Ona se saginje i sve to mi liči na neku otkačenu vrstu pozdrava. Produžila sam  ulicom, spokojna, jer sam znala da je on, u širokoj košulji sa zavrnutim rukavima, skočio, isto tako prirodno kao što je i meni prišao, i to je tako lako prihvatiti, u stvari.
Posmatram sebe kako sam potpuno mirna jer to je bio skok ili pozdrav, sa mnom ili bez mene. To ne menja stvar. Mogao je značiti svašta: od toga da je devojka neka njegova skrivena opsesija i sad kad ju je vieo požurio je tamo gde mu je važnije. Možda su u vezi i sad će da se pokaje što je sa mnom tumarao ulicama ovog velikog grada. Možda je lažov, možda je igra duple igre…možda ima još nešto što mi nije palo na pamet! Nasmejala sam se i nastavila da koračam niz ulicu. To ne menja stvar, hvala crnim mislima, slobodne ste. Ja sam slobodna. Mi smo ljubav, a on može biti ko god hoće.
Stvorio se opet pored mene…Sada znam da sam ispunjena silnom srećom dok koračamo ulicom. Za taj osećaj je teško naći reč, osim možda blistanje iznutra. Sjaj, probuđen samo jednim zagrljajem, nepoznatog, razbarušenog momka u širokoj, beloj košulji, koji je mogao biti ko znako, ali za mene potpuni smisao i istina.

Iznenada sustiže neki glasnik koji mi daje u ruke svitak od pergamenta na kome piše: „Bivša gospođo Piščević Ovog, Obaveštavamo vas da više nemate muža, jer on u svakom trenutku zna šta radite. Tako je, imajući potpunu kontrolu nad vašim životom, saznao da je pored vas momak sa kojim ste se ljubili i sada se šetate ulicom. Osudio je ovaj vaš postupak i nemate više njegovo prezime, pare, ne delite isti stani sve što ide uz to.
Kako je taj vas postupak nedostojan jedne gospođe u godinama i za svaku osudu, kao što red nalaže, predaje se slučaj sudu koji ce doneti konačnu odluku o ovom nemilom događaju.
Ipak, sram da vas bude.“
Čudno, ali ovo je bio novi korak koji me je doveo do spoznaje ljubavi.
Osuda, sud i sramota u ljubavi ne postoje. Ja sam samo dobila otkaz zbog nepoštovanja pravila u zakonom propisanoj zajednici.

E sad se vozam gongolom u Veneciji. Taman sam ulazila u veliki crni čamac, zajedno sa nekolicinom turista kada se odjednom opet stvorio razbarušeni slobodnjak pored mene. Preplavilo me je zadovoljstvo jer sam mislila da smo se slučajno sreli u ovom snu. Sad mi je bilo potpuno jasno da smo povezani zauvek slobodom i nekom čudnom pričom bez reči. Mogao je on da sedi pored mene ili da nestane i otrči negde u svom dečačkom maniru. Znala sam, ne znam kako sam znala, da je to iskrena ljubav mog života. Možda ga više nikada ne sretnem, ali snaga ovog našeg susreta je dovoljna sila do kraja života.

A možda se i dalje vozamo u gondoli po ovom mom snu…

CV of my love

Something preceded this, and as things go, something will definitely follow.
And there’s nothing more I could add to this.
I’m sitting in a restaurant, singing. I don’t remember how I got here or how I found myself in the company of the young man with the guitar. I don’t see anything else in this bright room except for the two of us – sitting at a small table in a corner. The young man nonchalantly crosses his legs and starts playing a well-known Macedonian song. I feel pleasure and it feels good to be here in the company of this unknown man, enjoying the situation I had somehow found myself in. And then, something very strange happens.
I started singing out loud, melodiously, so intensely and beautifully that I was filled with admiration for my own voice. As if I had devoted my entire life to singing and now, at this moment, through this song, it was being fully revealed and the melody simply poured out of me.
And so, thanks to this young man and the guitar, I reveled in my singing.
I’m not attracted to the young man playing the guitar at first glance, but his guitar and my unexpected singing, were the first step to meeting my love.
I’m walking down a street of a big city.
Suddenly, a young man appears with tousled hair and sharp, lovely facial features. His small, slanted eyes and sassy expression flared a surge of passion through my body or an emotion so strong that it almost caused me pleasing pain. He was wearing a wide, white shirt with rolled up sleeves and he approached me in such a natural manner and with such ease, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to come up to me and look at me with such desire. Everything about him was so free, it was as if he had seen a puppy in the street and came to pet it. He stood in front of me, moving closer and closer. He didn’t say anything and, like a movie, I was reading subtitles: you are perfection in its unique form. I want you because you are the part representing happiness. I want you exactly as you are. Everything about you is a gift, you are a being born for me to enjoy at this very moment, just as you are.
Each millimetre that he came closer made me happier, and in the end, I too felt a magnetic force pulling me towards his body.
We leaned against a wall of a dead-end street, maybe it was even a garbage container, kissing passionately and so gently that everything else lost meaning. Time had no place here, it had disappeared just like the people who might have wandered into the dead-end street, or maybe there was no one there. Everything turned into a moment with a life of its own, an eternity. So powerful, it was senseless.
 The young man would stop kissing me then hold my arms and shoulders with both his hands, pushing me away from him and then suddenly back again into his arms. He could do this because I am kissing him senseless, for no reason, without understanding, logic or discretion. I was losing myself in his boyish insanity, suffocating in surges of warmth moving from my chest to my stomach and back.
There is no space, no cognizance, no time, only the shirt with rolled up sleeves and arms which were taking me, gently shaking me like the most precious treasure, a realization or dream. Finally my teeth were hurting from the kissing and I said so out loud.
Now he was kissing me more gently, but just as generously.
The young man and I are back in the street, walking, and a tall blonde girl is approaching him. He is moving away from me, running up to her cheerfully, as if he is about to jump on her back or something. She bends over and it all seems like some sort of crazy greeting. I continued down the street, content because I knew that he had jumped, in his shirt with rolled up sleeves, just as spontaneously as he had approached me, and this was actually very easy to accept.
I observe how completely calm I am because this was a jump or greeting, with or without me. It doesn’t make any difference. It could have meant many things: that this girl was his hidden obsession and now that he has seen her he hurried off to what was more important to him. Maybe they were in a relationship and now he was having second thoughts about roaming the streets of this big city with me. Maybe he’s a cheat, maybe he’s playing a double game… maybe there’s something else I hadn’t thought of! I smiled and continued walking down the street. This doesn’t change anything, thank you dark thoughts, you can go now. I’m free. We are love, and he can be whoever he wants to be.
He appeared next to me again… Now I know I am filled with immeasurable joy as I walk down the street. It’s hard to find a word to describe this feeling, except maybe a glow from within. A glow awakened by one hug from an unknown young man with tousled hair and a wide, white shirt, who could have been who knows what, but for me, he was meaning and truth.
Suddenly a messenger comes up to me and gives me a roll of parchment paper which says: “Former Mrs. So- and- So, We are hereby notifying you that you no longer have a husband because he knows what you are doing at all times. Thus, having complete control over your life, he has found out about the young man you were kissing and are now walking down the street with. He has condemned your behaviour and you no longer have his last name, money, you no longer share the same apartment and everything else that goes with it.
Considering this behaviour is unworthy of a woman your age and unacceptable, in accordance with procedure, this case was submitted to court pending final decision regarding this unfortunate event.
Nevertheless, shame on you.”
Strangely enough, this was the new step that led me to understanding love.
Condemnation, courts and shame do not exist in love. I was simply fired for not adhering to the rules of a union prescribed by law.
Now I am standing next to a gondola in Venice. I was just about to board a big black boat, along with a few other tourists, when suddenly the freethinking young man with tousled hair appeared next to me. I was overwhelmed with pleasure because I thought we just happened to meet in a dream. Now it was very clear to me that we are bound forever by a lack of restrictions and a strange story without words. He could sit next to me or disappear and run off somewhere in his boyish manner. I knew, I don’t know how, that this was the true love of my life. I might never see him again, but the power of our encounter was a force strong enough to last a lifetime.
And maybe we are still riding in the gondola through this dream of mine…

Leave a Comment

Featured Book

Books Categories

Newsletter

Make sure you don't miss anything!